#futureartsdr

the artist soul…

I could not quite put my finger on it… a feeling that chipped away somewhere deep inside of me that would not disappear.

I had felt this feeling before, but never so intensely. It felt like I had lost something, like I had been betrayed by a best friend. It felt like I was trapped, like there was a part of me screaming to get out. It felt like I was drowning, like a part of me was not breathing.

I did not understand why I was feeling this way. Everything in life seemed to be going according to plan. I was done with my education, had a great job, and was actually financially supporting myself as a professional pianist. Everything was in line for success. I should have been feeling satisfaction, joy, and contentment in the place I had worked so hard to get to.

But… I did not feel that way. Rather, I felt like a part of me had died – that somehow, in the middle of everything good, I was living with a constant darkness.

One cold, wintry afternoon, I sat down at the piano to learn about two hours of new, beautiful music. The song selections sitting in front of me on the music stand featured music for recitals, services, and even a little recording in there. All of it was amazing, well-composed, and enjoyable, but I did not want to play it. I started messing around with a little improvisation and pretty soon I was lost in my own world of melody, chord progressions, and many lines of lyrics.

Hours later, way after darkness had taken over the frozen outer world, I rose from the piano with a brand new song. As I looked at the scribbled lyrics and the hastily sketched notes on the staff paper, a little part of me started to awake. It felt like the darkness inside was a little further away – like I was a little less trapped. It felt like I could breathe again.

Baffled by this newfound life, over the next few days and weeks, I played everyday. Not the kind of playing that equals practice of other people’s music, but rather I just played music. I composed. I felt. I improvised. Whatever was on my heart, in my mind, and in my emotions, I played through the music.

Everyday, I felt a little more alive, a little less like I was suffocating.

I began to realize that there was a part of me that only lived in music, a part that breathed beauty, melody, and artistic expression. This part of me was my artist soul.

———

A few years later, I was on the phone with an injured musician.

“No one understands what I am going through…” she said.

“Let me see if I can try.” I responded. “Does it feel like you are trapped? Like you are drowning? Like there is this deep part of you that isn’t breathing?”

I could hear her start to cry on the other side of the phone. She started to speak, but then stopped. I stayed silent as I waited for her to answer, because I knew what was going on. Her artist soul was trying to be heard.

“Yes!” she finally said through the tears. “Yes, that is exactly how it feels.”

———

I think we all have an artist soul – a part of us that comes alive when we play, sing, dance, or create beauty. There is that part of us that needs to feel, needs to experience, and needs to be heard. There is a part of us that if it is not experienced, feels trapped, lost, drowning, or like it is not breathing. That part of us is the artist soul.

future arts doctor…

Now, as I make my way toward becoming a doctor for artists everywhere, this is what I would tell you if you were sitting across from me discussing what it is like to have an artist soul.

“I see your artist soul – that part of you that comes alive when you make music, when you create, when you dance, and when you live the arts. I see the strength, the resilience, the commitment to being raw, honest, and vulnerable. I know how hard it is to be real, to be true to yourself, and to share the music, the song, the dance, the art that is inside of you.

I know how hard it is to live the artist lifestyle. I feel the fear, the fragility, and the shock when everything you could do is suddenly taken away from you. Maybe it was an injury, a creative block, a missed callback, a crisis, or something else that suddenly left your artist soul hurt, suffocated, or traumatized. I see that artist soul that you have and it is beautiful!  

Whatever you are facing, keep going – keep being strong, resilient, and brave. Let your artist soul breathe. Make music, be creative, dance, and give space for your artist soul to be alive!”